I have been debating with myself for a long time before I wrote this post. I do not want to be tagged as an attention seeker. Attention is the last thing I want, which you can get the explenation to further down in this article.
Twenty-five years have passed since I found Walsall FC and became a fan of the club. Most would have thought I been over and watched at least a handful of matches by now, but no! There have only been one time up until now. The JPT Final at Wembley to be precise. It makes me quite embarrassed thinking of it. During these years there have not been short of opportunities to go over to watch either home away or matches. The trip over from Sweden to Birmingham wouldn’t be that hard really. There are a train station and hotel at Bescot as well, so no need to go far to get to the stadium either. A trip over to watch an away match in the London area would be even easier. But in my mind, it’s like going to the moon and build the space ship on your own in your backyard.
The only person I can blame for not coming over more than once is solely myself. And the reason why I haven’t come over more is that I’m suffering from social anxiety and it breaks my heart that something like that should hinder me from doing things I would love to do. It is not only going and watch football and meet up with all the Saddlers fans I’ve come in contact with during the years. It has caused me to refuse job offers, not made most of my talents within various sports, lost contact with friends, lost the love of my life, not go to the university, travel more or going to concerts. All because of this darn mental issue.
The two biggest fears I have is firstly the fear of failure and secondly drive attention to myself. Getting attention means that I have to be in the centre of attention and, being exposed to situations that I’m not used to and, where I don’t know how to act. Some days I can’t even go to the store or go out and take a walk, especially after a days work where I have forced myself to be very social.
I’m not sure how it got to this, but it is something that I have been suffering from for many many years, probably since I was about 12-13 years old but never been taken up with many, and when I’ve tried to bring it up I have been deemed as negative, boring and sprouting negative energy around me which then caused that I keep my feelings within me and not interacting much with other people. I’m a quite lonely person and I can only blame myself for that. When you don’t have any close friends you can hang out with you easily get very isolated and withdrawn.
I can’t help it to feel a bit jealous of people who can take over a room where ever they come or talk to everyone like they have known them for years. I love to sing, I’m a horrible singer, but I only do it when I’m alone at home or in the car. I would never sing in front of anyone, not even my family or loved ones. Deep inside, I’d love to do it though which makes it even more frustrating. It is like I put a lid on my feelings and expressions when I am among other people. The person I am when I’m alone is very different from who I am when among other people, and that person is probably the image others have of me. The withdrawn, shy and a bit boring person.
When I’m alone I sing and dancing around in my apartment, silent, of course, I don’t want my neighbours to hear me sigh.
Maybe I need professional “help” to get my mind on the right track and get rid of these mental blockades so I can find a way to kick-start my life again. Tips and suggestions are greatly appreciated.
